I have watched my facebook page update itself so many times in the last twenty-four hours with people bidding goodbye to 2009 with great relief and looking forward to 2010 with renewed joy and hope. I have received countless "Happy New Year" messages for people that let me know they're praying for a better year in the year to come. The truth is, I'm not sure how to say goodbye to this year and exactly what to hope for in 2010.
I don't really bid goodbye to 2009 all that easily, for it is the year we lived the anticipation of our wee one, it is the year of a little life that lasted only the span of a summer. It is the year of Bryce. And while there is so much sorrow in its dates, there is much joy that only the days of this year will know. It's hard to feel relief in its passing. A part of me wanted the world to stop with me in 2009 and not take one more step forward--ever. But eternity demands that time progress, and 2009 also transformed into a woman willing to accept whatever the hope of eternity demands. And I know well that to stand still in those days is deny that Lord's promise of "a future full of hope" is true. And I'm all about holding on to the Lord's promises these days. And not to move forward means not to heal. We, even in the midst of the season of Christmas, are an Easter people. We believe all that is dead in us bears hope of resurrection. It is for this reason I am able to let go of 2009. It's not, as some might have guessed, with a huge sigh of relief. It is yet another painful goodbye that I only find the strength to say because of who He says He is.
We have ever so much to hope for in 2010. There a lot of painful dates to walk through to reach that hope, to touch its face. And there is a lot of vulnerability to surrender, fear and dread to let go of. Do I hope for "better" year in 2010? I'm not so sure. From an annual perspective, that may be easy to say, but from an eternal perspective, what could have been better than the year of Bryce, the year we birthed a saint into heaven? Believe me, everything in me hopes we don't know ever know the sorrow of this year again. But everything in me also knows, I walk a path determined not by calendar dates but by God love. And my heart knows well He holds my tears in a vial that I hope to one day wear as crown of glory. So I will walk in sorrow again this year, a new sorrow, a different sorrow. And I will walk in hope again this year, a new hope, a different hope. And I will fight the temptation to walk in fear and I will surrender the feeling of nakedness 2009 has left me with to Him who clothes me in radiant splendor.
No, I don't hope for a better year in 2010. I hope for a year in which the life I live honors 2009. I hope for a year in which my faith, my hope, my love reflects the eternal perspective I gained when the world stopped turning in 2009. I hope for a year in which a family full of hope rejoices in two new lives, one eternal and one anticipated.
There is a bit of a trend lately for people to pick a word or a motto for the New Year. Often it reflects a virtue they want to grow in or a habit they want to cultivate. For some, the Spirit demands a a new answer to His ever-present question. I have spent an awful lot of time in 2009 telling the Lord "I can't do this." And then doing it anyway. I have spent many a painful hour realizing that jump-starting one's life after it comes to a screeching halt is really hard. I have stomped in fury at how stupid bills and taxes and paperwork seem in the midst of eternal realities. I have resented the stuff life demands of me--errands and groceries and social outings, when all my heart desired was to curl up in a ball and never move again. And I sat in fearful silence at the call to love again, to call to open my wounded heart afresh. And every time I have said "I can't do this" and waited for His voice to boom back in impatient insistence, I have hear Him quietly whisper, "I know, but I can. Sit. Be still. Let me move."
I am not rushing headlong in 2010 with a new lists of hopes and dreams tied to my back, a weight to heavy for my body, worn from this year's walk. No. And I'm not idling casually into 2010 without a care in the world either. I'm sitting right here on its threshold, my finger tips still rubbing the edges of 2009 one last time, and I'm waiting. I am still. I am letting Him move. That is my word -- STILL. Still as in "be still" and still as in "I am still who you know that I am" and still as in "Bryce is still your wee one" and still as in "I wait in joyful hope still". STILL. I seek Him in the stillness and He is still there and He loves me still and He still has plans for my welfare and not for my woe and there is a whole eternity that awaits me still.
And so I dedicate this solemnity, on which we honor Mary, the Mother of God, to the prayer to know her stillness. To be a woman who ponders the great spiritual mysteries of this life and the next in my heart. And I place this year in her hands, open, waiting. Dearest Mother, make my like unto Thine. Lover of my soul, be still this beating heart, that it may never be moved from You.
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